When I would tell people that I was turning 29, almost everyone said, "Utoh, one more year until you're 30!" Of course I responded with a "Ohhhh don't remind me!" but I was really thinking "What's wrong with 29??" I really try not to be one of those people who is obsessed with how "old" they are and just enjoy life. I can honestly say that my life is infinitely better than it was when I was 19. It is funny how a decade can really change a person.
On September 24, 2000, I was a sophomore at SUNY Oneonta. I was studying English and had just discovered my love for Communications Studies. I would later declare that as my second major. Anyone who knows me wouldn't be surprised that a large part of my happiness comes from interacting with others, and the thought of a career where that would be the norm seemed so appealing. I was also deeply involved with my sorority. Sometimes I still question why I joined one. In hindsight, I know I was looking for a place to belong. It was an emotional survival technique that I felt would help me. My college years were a time of intense emotional turmoil as I struggled with my infertility diagnosis, and all the fallout that would come with it. I needed to be a star. I needed to not just be good, but to be the best. I needed to be someone people sought out, and the sorority did that for me. I was (and in some ways still am) afraid to be alone. I needed to drown myself in others so that I could ignore the underlying feelings of emptiness. To add to this, I began one of the most dysfunctional relationships of my life in 2000. It would hurt me for the next 3 years, and I would beat myself up over that for a few more years after it ended. Was I happy in 2000? I think I looked happy. I tried to act happy. In all honesty, I always felt like I was I acting. The answer to the question is NO, I was not happy. I remember so vividly thinking that I did not deserve to BE HAPPY.
Am I happy in 2010? Yes. I know I am happy because my life is real. I feel content in my heart with who I am and with the relationships I have. My husband has changed my life is inmeasurable ways. I feel lucky everyday to have someone who cares about me so deeply and who has created such a beautiful life with me. Some days, I actually pinch myself because it is hard to believe that this is my REAL life. I know I have written posts before about how grateful I am for the life I have, but I cannot say it enough. From a girl who thought happiness was not in the cards for her, I am deliriously happy that I was wrong.
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